Call of Duty 5:
Unreal Modern Warfare Tournament 2009

Modern Warfare 2 was the first real "fuck you" from Activition and Infinity Ward to PC gamers. (This was just before Infinity Ward decided they were getting fucked over by Activision, and Activision decided they were getting fucked over by Infinity Ward, after which Infinity Ward told Activision to fuck themselves, and Activision told the co-generals at Infinity Ward to fuck off... but, I digress.) Some may say the first "fuck you" was the console-only Call of Duty 3. But it's one thing to release an FPS on consoles and ignore the PC altogether; to release a game on PC and treat it like a console game seems like nothing short of contempt. But I guess I would care more if Modern Warfare 2 didn't feel broken:

But you know, go ahead and present us with a deeper and broader killstreak reward, weapon upgrade, and perk system. You had to expand on the first Modern Warfare, right? If it's not perfectly weighted, the error, being of the quantifiable variety, seems almost forgivable. Not enough balancing through testing and what not. The real crime though are the stylistic choices that have me convinced the developers have completely lost the plot:

As killstreak rewards become more generous, weapon add-ons become more outlandish, the sights and sounds become louder, and maps become more "vertical," maze-like and less conducive to group movement and tactics, this Modern Warfare franchise feels like it's devolving into a masses-pleasing deathmatch shooter, a merry-go-round of violence that is both thrilling, yet devoid of uniqueness or any sense of auteurship.

As a consequence, I actually have more fun when I waddle around most maps with the riot shield, Magnum, and throwing knife or blast shield — making an ass of myself, my unlucky victims, and by association, the game. I also boosted my interest by using a Commando-enabled Knifey class that runs around with his arms posed like twin cobras, administering the stinging touch of death via tactical knife. Yes, these classes are idiotic, but when bros are scampering around the map wielding twin 1887s, no one can tell me what is supposed to be realistic. I have been given the option to create these ridiculous classes, and I am simply exercising it.

With those kind words in mind, here are the Unreal Modern Warfare Tournament 2009 stock maps, as played on PS3 in Deathmatch, in order from indifference to vomit-ladened repulsion.

Map Verdict Rating
Derail
Trainwreck in a large snowy area. Epic large battles.
Snipers can snipe, but distances are great. Flankers can flank, but are never guaranteed an easy path. Close-quarter-combat lovers can enjoy several chokepoints, but need to endure open-area exposure to get there. An assymetical but balanced layout. Overall, something for every player type, and actually does not punish users of conventional classes.
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Favela
Alleyways of Brazil. Great for all game modes and all sizes.
Until you understand the map layout, it feels like deathmatch in an M.C. Escher drawing; once it's understood, you realize you must either scamper around like a rabid squirrel, or go prone in one of the prime camp-kill zones.

Ultimately, only entertaining when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class. Once you are leaping from rooftops to second-floor rooms via the window, you start to wonder where the Quad Damage is going to spawn.
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Highrise
Rooftop skyscraper. Hectic Domination games.
Two levels of action dissipate the intensity of firefights. Pushes to one side can be successful very quickly, causing the victims to respawn on the opposite side. As a consequence, rushing an underground route for a rear sneak attack often sees your arrival coincide with your surface-level team. All of this equals a lot of lost potential.

Ultimately, a real treat to play when using an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class.
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Terminal
Medium-sized airport. Great for all game modes.
The map layout presents a conflict: most of the numerous close-quarter-combat hot zones also happen to be in the line of fire from a distant spot. Players subconsciously keep moving out of fear of being picked off from afar, but in doing so often fall right into the enemies' arms. Camp and pick off the ducks, or rush like a madman. The choice is yours. One would expect more opportunities for tactical movement in an airport setting.

Entertaining only when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Quarry
Medium-sized quarry. Intense Capture the Flag matches.
One of the few maps that can actually be enjoyed with a class that resembles what one would expect from "modern warfare." At times, the layout feels a bit contrived for the setting. Maybe they should've copied the quarry layout from Raw Deal.

Also enjoyable when played with a speed-oriented deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Afghan
Medium sized open desert. Intense Demolition battles.
One of the few maps that can actually be enjoyed with a class that resembles what one would expect from "modern warfare"; unfortunately its size and large, open areas make it seem more suited to a more tactical game mode such as Headquarters or Domination.

Also enjoyable when played with a speed-oriented deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Rundown
Village in Brazil. Fight from all angles.
Can get a little nutty in a Favela way, but in comparison, the indoor areas are more spacious, and the bissecting river with chokepoint bridges helps rein in the chaos, and makes the map seem well suited to a tactical game mode such as Headquarters or Domination. For Deathmatch, it's fun.

Most enjoyable when played with a speed-oriented deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Wasteland
Chernobyl in the open. Great for snipers and long range firefights.
If anything, an interesting social experiment: watch teams win Pyrric victories to take the bunkers, only to lose control. Rinse and repeat. In the end, the bunker winners can turn out to be the map losers. This ordnance-and-rushing sideshow usually deprives the rest of the map of visitors. A real killing ground should the a bunker dwellers earn a killstreak reward. Good map overall, but it never feels like it has ended too quickly.
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Skidrow
Urban city fighting. In and out of apartments close range engagements.
The methodical closing off of entire apartment areas result in snaking paths, which makes the map a good candidate for Domination and Headquarters. Should feel more rewarding to play than it is in Deathmatch: despite great action zones in the playground, video store, and apartments, the whole does not feel greater than the sum of its parts.

Entertaining when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class.
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Scrapyard
Small airplane graveyard. Great for any number of players.
Tight and unpredictable. With a full house, you'll either be the lucky one to always turn a corner just as a foe has passed, or you'll constantly be watching the very same thing on your killcam. The layout almost feels like a photo-negative of Modern Warfare's Vacant — and what does that infer if Vacant is fun?

Ultimately, rewarding only when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class.
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Invasion
City in the desert. Classic street to street firefights.
The less vertical layout compared to Favela or Skidrow, on a large map, should mean great team firefights and smart flanking — think District from Modern Warfare. Unfortunately, unlike District, the flowless, overly-checkerboarded layout only encourages homicidal mayhem.

Most entertaining when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Karachi
Ravaged desert town. Tactical street fights abound.
Interesting to see Karachi, with a metropolitan area larger than Chicago, London or Paris, described as a "desert town"; the "tactical" claim is just as inaccurate. The map is comprised of four overlapping slices (Main Street, the market and minimart strip, the bus station and cafe corner, and the block of rubble) that separately make for chaotically vertical combat zones, and together do not offer much more.

Entertaining only when when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class.
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Underpass
Rainy underpass. Good balance of medium to long range fighting.
It's actually more like a good balance of hiding in the tall grass, and running by the tall grass looking for someone to shoot at. A gloomy, muddy palette seems more like am homage to deathmatch on the Nintendo 64 than an improvement on what was done in Modern Warfare's Downpour. It probably fares better in Domination, but in Deathmatch, it just feels like a sprawling mess.

Tolerable when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey, or a shield-bash class.
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Rust
Tiny desert sandstorm. Fast-paced action on a small map.
I actually enjoyed this map a bit until a friend slapped me across the face and told me to wake up. Imagine a demented "oil shiek" fenced off an area for pit fights; instead of dogs and/or scorpions, the combatants are humans. Run in a clockwise direction and try to catch up to your enemy before they catch up to you. Or... vice versa! (Variety abounds.) As a metaphor for the corporate ladder, players will inexplicably try to mount the central structure.

Most entertaining when played with an other-worldy deathmatch class such as Knifey.
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Sub Base
Snowy submarine base. Great vertical gameplay.
Most of the fighting happens on the dock-side half of the map. Essentially medium-range sniping contests between the catwalk and warehouse roof, with the rest of the action being generic room-to-room deathmatching in interconnecting areas such as the power station. Is partially broken by the fact that someone can farm kills at the East Dock/Crane spawn point from a semi-protected spot behind crates.
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Estate
Cabin in the woods. Fight for control of the cabin.
About as amazing as a map described by "fight for control of the cabin" could be.
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